dacoolstham8

fuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyoufuckyou

+definitely stressed out and NOT loving it so much

+got test scores back yeah i suck definitely have to like re-do my whole life

+if i fail at life which i most likely will i'm thinking i'll pick up my violin again...maybe do something with music

+had one nervous breakdown already I feel another one coming on

+have no friends, i talk to all of about 2 people here and I live with them kinda sucks i miss home a lot

+joined softball intramurals definitely excited i miss that shit so much it hurts hopefully i can meet people there and they don't treat me like shit we'll see

+i'm done with this being single shit it's definitely not fun anymore catch my drift!?

+most definitely learned not to trust a certain someone (aka DANIELLE) cause she's fulla shit I should've known that already though w/e peace out mofo i'm totally finished.

+wowww got so much reading to do I should get on that now talk to you fools later if anyone's even listening.

Here's to the New Year!

i've found that snapping a rubberband has the same effect as something sharp. And i'm terrified to say that I actually enjoy it =x

Sooo I guess it's about time I updated this thing since Erin told me to lol. No but really it's way overdue i guess I just think that nothing is worth writing anymore cause nothing ever really happens....

Sometimes people can come into your life and make it so much better you know like you can forget all the shit and forget everything going on around you and when you're with them it's like nothing else matters I love that feeling and I resent the fact that it only happens to me when i'm with friends...I don't know I kinda want it to be with someone that means more to me than a friend but whatever i'll take what I can get for now.

But seriously it's awesome to be back in that "best friend" kinda category I really hope that I can keep this up for long. Like sure Colleen is my cousin and we are best friends but the kind of relationship we have is so different than that of like me and Christine. I really can tell Christine everything and it's so nice like the last time I had such a close friend was Tiffany and you know how that shit turned out but it's whatever i'll try my best not to care as much if it happens again....and fuck i'll probably care more but off that subject it's depressing me.

Last night was fun I missed that so much I love seeing old friends it's like BAM in your face. Haha and I might've been a little wasted when I got home don't remember much of what I said online or in txts but it's all good.

And i've decided i'm over Danielle b/c she likes to play head games and build up her own ego while she watches the other person struggle just to get her attention fuck that I deserve better i'm not a horrible person and fuck yeah i'm emotional so stop messing with my emotions lol that's not how it's supposed to work I want someone who wants me too not someone who I have to work for so fuck you I hope you have a nice life.

So I hadda get bloodwork done b/c I might have some kind of PCOS type shit (something to do with ovaries idk) and i'm really anxious to know the results cause I'm hoping that it's true so I can stop wondering what's wrong with me lol. The doctor said that after I start the pill and crap i'll lose weight and my face will clear up and stuff and i'm like hell yeah let's get this started cause as much as I want to sleep with women I really don't want to look like a man. Funny I know but that's not my goal.

And figures Christine thinks that i'm a lesbian b/c I have too much testosterone. AHA. not really but nice try we always have such deep arguments about this shit and it's like I can't change who I am so stop telling me to. Like I know she loves me and she's really trying to understand everything but when you push God into my face I'm not just gonna roll over and be like okay i'll go home and read the bible now. no. i'm not a religious person as a matter of fact I don't care at all about anything having to do with it so stop trying to pull me in like I love you but if you think i'm going to change you're wrong I already tried that and it sucked so leave it alone for now. Seriously when I asked you for advice I really meant advice I didn't expect for it to turn into this 1/2 hr Jesus debate that got me no where with my personal struggle maybe next time i'll have to specify.

Wow this was long and pointless but I guess it's an update no less w/e peace out suckers.

I don't know...I want to write about my life.



But I have nothing to write.



Sorry.

Everything was perfect.

</3

Ham Jam was good after party was better =] haha. It was wayyy too hot to not go swimming afterwards at my cousin's house. Good times I kinda wish my friends had came but it's whatever.

Yeah yesterday was good but i've gotta say that getting a drunken phone call from christine while she's in Pennsylvania and talking til 3am and falling asleep on the phone with her was definitely priceless =]

Saw Hairspray last night. It was good but the play is definitely better lol. I didn't like John Travolta in that role at all that's for sure. Aaaaanyways, Ham Jam starts in like 20 mins i'm kind of really excited cause I look forward to it every year and yeah peace out.

so in other news i definitely LOVE those sonic commercials lol.

the other night me, jeannette, colleen, and christine went to the movies and on the way there there was traffic on the LIE cause of construction so of course they start acting like crazy people in the back of my truck and hanging out of the car. Christine was screaming that it was her birthday and yelling at the people who were cutting everyone in line and it was the funniest thing ever. I was pissed that they were embarassing the hell out of me but I just went with it after a few minutes of it....so this guy in a big truck pulls up next to us and asks christine if she was gonna flash him (or something to that affect) and we're all telling her to do it hahah I really wanted her to do it and she's screaming "I'm a christian!" out the window funny stuff. So colleen takes off her bra and was dangling it out the window and this INCREDIBLY old man pulls up on the other side of me and rolls down his window and is waving saying "Hey girls!" so we're like EWW and we're yelling at him and calling him a pervert and anyway this younger guy is next to us again saying "You girls could get me in trouble" and i'm all "we're legal!!" and i was really thinking 'wow this is some dateline How to Catch a Predator shit' hahaha. so after plenty of efforts to get christine to show her boobs (which all failed...) we got out of the traffic and when we were next to the guy out of no where colleen lifts her shirt haha funniest shit EVER. then we were trying to guess his age i guessed 32 he told us he was 32 i was like oooooh shit. Definitely good times lol.


so yeah laying on the bed and christine's all moaning my name and making sex noises and i'm like woah stop I can't take that you're getting me all worked up ha don't start stuff if u aren't prepared to finish it cause now you got me and it's like damn really though that's not fair.

ummm yeah work can blow me and i wanna get drunk like now. haha byeeee.

So I guess it's about time I use this journal to actually say what's going on in my life rather than write another cryptic entry that's one or two sentences long.

This summer has definitely been one of the best, mainly because of the people that I've grown so close to in such a small amount of time. Life's amazing that way. Most of us have become inseperable and we've created so many memories that I'll never forget. I will say that I think I might be developing "more than a friend" feelings for one person but that's something I'll have to talk about when I know for sure what's going on with me. All I know is that I can't stop thinking about her and I reallllllly wanna get drunk so we can make out ;] hahaha. Anyway, I really don't want to have to say goodbye to everyone cause I don't think I can do it. But, once again, that's life.

Sooo not much else is going on here...I might go snowboarding in Tennessee with Bryan and Christine and his friends during the winter break but we'll have to see.

I'll update more at a later date..peace out.

I absolutely hate the fact that I have to live out my dreams vicariously through my friends </3 hopefully it'll be all worth it in the future.

CSDJFHUYERGFLJSANC;LSAKEJYHRFLEIUHFBSJCNLSIEYGFALSDHCBNSKNCB

Sometimes I wish that she would like care that i'm at least trying like I want to hang out with you and you say you want to but you don't make the effort I don't understand that. Maybe it's better if we don't see each other.

So i'm officially a graduate of William Floyd High School and I don't feel any different haha.

Figure since i'm so far gone, oceans away, i can lay my sabre down today.
I miss the words I love the words, you did not say.
I miss the kiss you never gave away.
There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else
Honestly i thought that we could make it all the way,
Barefoot on beaches dancing against the gray.
But stone by stone the castle crumbled to the ground,
I stood and stared as you started to fall into the waves.
There goes the sun, oceans away
And days die young when you're gone and you're gone
There goes the sun, oceans away
And leaves the day for someone else
Here's to the man of your dreams.
I take it all in a box and make my way down to the shore,
Throw it in and begin to leave it to the waves

So I know how I always say that I never have regretted anything that i've done in my life nor will I in the future, but I'm really having doubts about that after what happened at prom....I really regret not doing what I said I was going to do and everytime I think about the conversation and just everything I get sick to my stomach...with regret. I knew I would hate myself I didn't really realize just how much. It sucks big time and the only thing I keep hearing is "I really wish we weren't so close" I should've have asked what the fuck that meant cause I don't understand how that would pose a problem especially since we aren't as close as she thinks we are. ugh I should've done it. I can't believe how pathetic I really am like when you get down to it I'm nothing. I'm no one. No one thinks about me before they go to sleep and no one wishes they could be closer to me that's just how it is and I really have to get used to it and grow some balls and realize that me doing all this work is NOT worth it in the end cause in the end i'll always end up hurt. And you know it, she knows it, everyone knows it and they've all been laughing at me waiting for it to finally get through my fucking skull. Well guess what it's through, I get it, and i'm done.

So my birthday's in 4 days. I guess that's the most exciting thing going on in my life right now...I think me and colleen are going to get matching tattoos on friday but i'm not sure...whatever.


So yeah eventful weekend for sure. Friday night me and christine went to see Martina McBride and it was so much fun but i broke my camera right after cause I dropped it on the sidewalk =[. Then we waited for about an hr to get her autograph but they friggin tricked us and took her out a different door so by the time we ran down the street she was getting on the bus. But Christine did manage to get a picture of the back of her head lol:





Sooo we didn't get home til about 2am then my mom woke me up at around 10:30 saturday morning and we went prom dress shopping but we had no luck cause we had to go home early after we got a call from my sister saying that my dad needed stitches in his hand. He was working on my sister's brakes on her car and the rotar broke and it cut him. It wasn't that bad, just 3 stitches. Anyway, about 20 mins after I got home Erin took me out for my birthday and we saw Shrek the Third. It was very cute but not as good as the others I must say.

Sunday we left the house at about 2pm and went to David's Bridal to see if they had a dress. And lo' and behold they did! It's perfect, i'll post pictures when i'm in it at prom ;]. Then I had work at 4, and today I was in school from 7:30am to 8pm. That's almost 12 hrs. I'm shot. And tomorrow's NYSSMA. ughhhhh.

Well, i'm going to take a bath and then I think I'm going to read more of The Five People You Meet In Heaven and then pass out. G'night.

"...Hey"



"...hey"

couldn't wait to get home to hurt myself. I need to see blood.

Seeing everyone so happy is making me want to THROW UP.